SGA: [shift] Reality (McKay/Sheppard, rated R) 1/3

Title: [shift] Reality (1/3)
Fandom/Pairing: Stargate: Atlantis; McKay/Sheppard (perceived Weir/Sheppard; minor Weir/Caldwell & Lorne/Zelenka)
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Not mine, please don't sue!
Comments: Written (as a pinch-hit, even!) for the 2007 mcshep_match Pre-Season Friendly; I played for Team Angst; my prompt was 'Graveyard Shift.'

Many, many thanks are owed to the mcshep_angst team for beta on this puppy; extra-special thanks go to trinityofone, lilac_way and argosy -- without their help, this would still be on my hard drive -- any remaining errors are because I stubbornly didn't take their advice.

Much love and kisses to elmyraemilie, kyuuketsukirui, sheafrotherdon and lunasky for after the fact hand-holding, and to trobadora, who patiently let me re-submit multiple drafts when I wouldn't stop nitpicking. And last, but not least, huge thanks and SQUEE go to lunasky who made the lovely bit of art you see above....

This story has been Remixed!
Reality Organization (Chuang Chou's Dream Remix) by ekaterinn
Shifting Reality (Best Imitation of Myself Remix) by kyuuketsukirui



It's six a.m., and Rodney McKay is in the shower. He's already drunk his first cup of coffee, but he's always half-asleep until he's had at least two, so he sleepily washes up and towels off before he stumbles out of the bathroom. Dressing is automatic: white undershirt, blue button down, tie, black slacks, black belt and black oxfords, the same thing he wears every day. He drinks another cup of coffee as he makes breakfast, and by 6:45, he's fed the cat, and is out the door, briefcase and travel mug in hand.

The commute is easier this early, and Rodney arrives at work by 7:30. He technically doesn't need to be there until eight, but he's only been late three times in fifteen years, (all three because the trains were running late), and he attributes this to leaving early every morning. He nods to Radek and Miko, who also arrive early; he ignores Kavanagh, whom none of them like, and returns both Elizabeth's and Steven's 'Good morning' with one of his own.

He boots up his computer and settles in to work. Accounting and audit research is somewhat mind numbing, but it's what he does, and at this point in his career, he's comfortable, if not happy, so he continues on as he has been. Some days there are meetings; he only contributes if he's directly asked, otherwise he sits quietly, watching the others interact, while snarking away in his head, and looking away whenever someone makes eye contact.

At noon, he takes lunch. One hour out of the office, at the deli across the street, where he eats a roast beef sandwich and drinks more coffee while reading, then it's back to the office until five. Everyone usually leaves at the same time, and they say their goodbyes as they exit the building.

The commute takes longer in the evening, and Rodney doesn't usually get home until 6:30. He feeds the cat, changes out of his work clothes into sweats and a t-shirt, makes dinner and then reads while watching whatever is showing on the Sci Fi channel until he goes to bed at eleven.

The next day it starts all over again; the only variation to his routine comes on the weekends, when he wears cargo pants and a t-shirt, and cleans his tiny apartment and does laundry and goes to the market instead of going to work.

If he ever wishes for something else, for some break in his routine, for someone to share it with, he doesn't let himself dwell on it. He's never been good with people, and he has no idea how to be better with them. He hates playing along, pretending he doesn't have an opinion about the stupidity he sees on a daily basis; he wishes he had the guts to speak his mind once in a while. He knows he never will, just as he knows no one would care if he did actually speak up. Rodney's pretty sure most people aren't like him, but he doesn't know how to be like them, doesn't know how to be anything other than what he is. The life he leads is what he's been given, what he has, so he pushes the wishes away, and goes on.

* * * * *

Even a company as small as Starlight suffers from gossip; there have been rumors floating around for months about some kind of takeover. One morning Rodney overhears Elizabeth's assistant Steven telling Radek and Miko that Elizabeth is in touch with a college classmate, and they've been talking about merging their companies. As usual, Radek is less interested in the business aspect of the conversation, and more interested in people's personal lives.

"Are the companies the only things that will be coming together?" Even though they're on the other side of the cubicle partition, Rodney knows Radek's waggling his eyebrows in the goofy way he always does.

Miko giggles a bit, and says, "Radek! It's none of our business if Elizabeth and her friend are more than friends."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure Elizabeth isn't his type." Steven sounds smug, and Rodney bets his smile is not at all nice. "I don't think we'll be hearing wedding bells any time soon, at least not for those two."

Rodney isn't sure what to think about that, but he figures Elizabeth will tell them what's going on eventually.

When Elizabeth officially announces the merger at the monthly staff meeting, Rodney's only care is that he still has a job. When they're reassured that no one will be unemployed when Starlight Accounting and Gatekeeper Auditing become Stargate Auditing & Accounting, Inc., Rodney stops worrying, and goes back to focusing on his current audit for the Genii Corporation.

A few months later, after they've met the new company president, John Sheppard, Rodney starts to worry about other things, like the fact that he can't seem to stop staring at Mr. Sheppard, who insists everyone is to call him John. Or the way he can't seem to think whenever the man talks to him, or how it is he knows exactly how good Sheppard smells. He finds himself spending a ridiculous amount of time daydreaming about what it would be like to just walk up to Sheppard and kiss him. He's jealous of the familiarity Sheppard has with others; it's something he's never had with anyone, not even his own family, and seeing it makes his chest tight with want.

For the first time in years, Rodney finds himself actively wishing for something he can't have, and he can't seem to make himself stop.

*

The merger brings other changes, too. The number of people Rodney interacts with increases, and for the first time, he's partnered with someone else for an audit. Rodney's a bit intimidated by Teyla Emmagen; she's a tiny, gorgeous woman who could easily kick his ass in a fight; she's smart and quietly funny, and she has a knack for finding loopholes in tax laws that Rodney envies.

They've been doing audit research on a multi-national called Wraith Systems, and despite Rodney's new habit of daydreaming about John Sheppard, it's going so well he figures they'll have the bulk of the work done a week before it's needed. He sends Teyla an email with an updated timeline before locking down his workstation and going for lunch. He's still thinking of what he needs to do to complete his part of the project when he rounds the corner on his way to the lobby and crashes into John Sheppard.

Sheppard catches hold of Rodney's upper arms and pulls him close, steadying him and keeping him from falling on his ass. For a second all Rodney can do is close his eyes and breathe deeply — he's mortified to have walked into someone; that it's John Sheppard of all people just makes it worse.

"Are you okay?"

Sheppard sounds amused, and Rodney feels a flush crawl over his neck and face. He stammers out an apology as he's disentangling himself from Sheppard before stepping back.

"I was just coming to see you. I wanted to talk to you about the Genii Corp audit you worked on a couple of months ago. There are some numbers that aren't making sense to me, and I was wondering if you could walk me through it."

"Oh. I was, uh. I was just going to lunch, Mr. Sheppard, but it can wait if you want to talk now." Rodney risks a look at Sheppard as he speaks, hoping to get some idea of what he's thinking.

"Tell you what, Rodney, why don't we go to lunch together? Take care of two birds with one stone? I've been trying to get to know everyone on the Starlight side of things a little better, and this would be the perfect opportunity."

"I...that would be fine, Mr. Sheppard. I was going to go across the street to the deli, unless you wanted to eat somewhere else?"

"The deli is fine, Rodney. And please, call me John?"

Rodney feels the flush again as he nods, and follows John to the elevators. John stands back to allow Rodney to enter first; once the elevator is full, they stand silently facing the blank expanse of the brushed metal doors. Rodney stares at the hair above John's collar, and wonders if it's as soft as it looks.

John turns his head a bit, looking over his shoulder at Rodney as he speaks. "Why do you suppose everyone's always so quiet in elevators?" That gets a surprised chuckle from some of the others in the elevator, but Rodney just swallows hard, hoping to control the nerves threatening to tie his stomach in knots.

Rodney's stomach continues to flutter as they cross the street; John keeps pressing his hand against Rodney's shoulder, first steering him out of the elevator and the lobby, and then across the street. He hopes it's not obvious he's flustered, but he has the sinking feeling it is.

John keeps up a running commentary while they wait in line, on everything from football to airplanes to the deli itself, and it isn't until John comments that Rodney must know what's good since he eats there every day that Rodney says anything.

"How do you know I eat here every day?"

"Like I said earlier, I've been trying to get to know everyone on the Starlight side." He pauses for a minute, looking a bit sheepish, before he continues, "I've been watching you, trying to figure you out. Everyone says you're a bit stand-offish, so I did some homework."

"You spied on me?" Rodney isn't sure what to do with this bit of information: on the one hand, okay, John seems harmless, but on the other, who on Earth stalks their co-workers?

"Well, I wouldn't say I spied on you—I mean, that sounds kinda stalkery. More like I did some research. It only took me a week to figure out you don't eat anywhere else; Elizabeth speaks very highly of your work; you come in early and leave at the same time every day; you always wear blue shirts, and you're due for a haircut in the next week or so."

Rodney doesn't answer; he's uncomfortable with the idea of someone knowing that much about him and he isn't sure what to say, so he just moves forward in the line.

When he reaches the counter, the kid taking orders grins and asks, "The usual, Mr. M?" even as he's writing down 'roast beef, double meat, provolone, tomato, mayo on white + large coffee.' Rodney nods and takes the ticket, moving aside to wait for John, who is ordering turkey on sourdough with lettuce, mustard and jalapeños.

They're almost to the end of the counter before Rodney says, "If you wanted to get to know me, you could've just asked."

"Really? I'm not too sure about that. You don't seem like the chatty type. Seemed like it was better to get the easy stuff out of the way, save my energy for the hard parts."

"You can ask me anything you want, John." Rodney's heart is racing; he's not sure if what he's just said is the smartest or the stupidest thing ever. He raises his eyes and looks at John, wishing for the millionth time he were better with people, wishing he knew what John's smile meant.

"Be careful, Rodney. I'm likely to hold you to that." John's smile widens as he speaks, and Rodney doesn't need to be a genius to figure out what that means. He can only stare as John winks and leans in to whisper in his ear, "I'm very good at finding out people's secrets."

Rodney hears their numbers called as John nudges him toward the counter. He pays for his lunch, and is looking for an open table, when John bumps his shoulder and asks, "Wanna go outside? There's a pretty decent park a couple of blocks over...."

Rodney takes a last look around the deli, and shrugs, before following John outside.

*

John's right — the park is pretty decent; it only covers a block, so it's a bit small, but there are lots of trees, and a tiny little pond with a few geese swimming in it. Rodney takes all this in as John leads them to a shaded bench where they eat and watch as the world goes by. They're quiet long enough that Rodney begins to think he's off the hook for his earlier promise. When John starts talking, he sighs and resigns himself to being uncomfortable.

"So...what made you decide to become an accountant, Rodney?"

"I've always been good with numbers, but my moth— I mean, people told me I'd never get anywhere unless I had a practical degree, so I decided on accounting."

"What do you mean, 'a practical degree'?" John looks mad, and Rodney hurries to answer.

"I mean something that can be applied in the real world. It's not like a degree in Physics or Mathematics is very useful unless you're planning to teach, and I hate kids, so...accounting."

"Accounting. Huh." John is silent for a few seconds before he asks, "If you could do anything at all, what would you do?"

Rodney's eyebrows knit together and a frown tugs the corner of his mouth down. "I don't understand. Why would I do something else?"

"It's not a hard question. What did you want to be when you grew up? I'm pretty sure you didn't write 'accountant' when they asked in the second grade."

"I didn't.... No. You're right. I didn't want to be an accountant when I grew up, but I am, so why does it matter? I'm sure accountant wasn't the be-all, end-all for you, either."

"We're not talking about me, but since you asked, no, I didn't start out wanting to be an accountant. The Air Force wasn't exactly happy with me after I crashed one of their helicopters trying to save someone trapped behind enemy lines. So, I...decided to retire at Lt. Colonel before they could demote me, and well...here I am. What about you?"

Rodney would bet there's more to the story than that, but even so, he's not sure he wants to know. "That's. I'm sorry. I didn't-"

"Just...answer the question, Rodney."

"I wanted to be...an astrophysicist." He mumbles the last part, hoping John will just let it go. He doesn't want to explain how his mother had laughed when he'd told her he wanted to understand how the universe worked. She'd refused to believe that anyone would pay him to sit around and think, and she'd told him he'd better get his head out of the clouds; his hen-pecked father had agreed. Rodney had tried to defy her; he took Physics and Quantum Mechanics and Astronomy his first semester at university instead of Business Law and Ethics and Accounting. He loved every minute of it.

When his mother found out, she refused to pay for any classes except ones she approved, and after enough threats and lectures and ridicule, Rodney caved. He'd gone to school for something practical, and left the theories to others; he still reads everything he can find, though, resorting to textbooks and internet searches to fill in the gaps in his knowledge.

"Wow. Did you say you wanted to be an astrophysicist? That's...so far from accounting that it's not even on the same map. Why didn't you just go for it?"

"Can we not talk about this? I know I said you could ask me whatever you want, but I can't...I'm not. I don't want to do this anymore."

Without waiting for an answer, Rodney gets to his feet and walks away. He's nearly back to the office before he hears John calling his name. He wants to keep walking, but something makes him stop.

"Look, Rodney, I'm sorry. That was...I'm sorry, okay?"

"It's...fine. I just...don't like talking about myself. I'm not good with people, and I'm not used to...sharing."

John touches Rodney's shoulder briefly before he takes a deep breath, and says, "No hard feelings?"

John sounds hopeful, and Rodney meets John's gaze as he shakes his head.

"Wanna do this again sometime? I promise to be on my best behavior." The eyebrow wiggle that accompanies the last bit is Rodney's undoing: he laughs out loud as he says yes.

*

Apparently, 'sometime' means tomorrow to John; he comes by Rodney's desk with two styrofoam cups of coffee and a brown paper bag at noon the next day, and Rodney can't say no. They walk to the park again, and sit on the same bench.

This time Rodney starts to ask questions, and John answers with a patience Rodney appreciates. The conversation is a lot like the previous day's, but without the freak out on Rodney's part, and before he knows it, Rodney is talking about himself again. When John asks about his family, he only hesitates a moment before he tells John about how they died, his mother and sister and father all dead in a car crash the year he graduated from university. He's never told anyone about it, but somehow it feels right to tell John.

They talk about Rodney's citrus allergy (John thinks it would suck to never have orange juice), and John's father (an Army officer who refuses to speak with his disgraced son), and Rodney's cat Curie, and John's tank of miniature turtles, and the movie John had watched on TV the night before (which was the same movie Rodney had watched), and they even talk about the Genii audit. Two hours pass before Rodney realizes it; he's startled when he sees the time. It's with some regret that he interrupts John's story about how he and Evan Lorne met in the Air Force.

"John...it's been two hours. I should probably get back soon. I have a lot to do if I'm going to finish my research for the audit next month."

"Relax—you're with the boss. No one's going to care that you took more than an hour for lunch."

Rodney fidgets a bit with his cup, rolling it between his hands, before he stands and gathers their trash. "That's...I can't slack off like that. I'm— I've got work to do." He starts to walk back, and John sighs and follows along.

After that, John starts to bring Rodney coffee every morning around ten, and they have lunch a couple times a week. Sometimes they only go out for an hour, but after being gone for a couple of hours several times with no repercussions, Rodney stops worrying so much about getting back on time.

As much as he enjoys John's company, Rodney's not sure he understands why they're spending so much time together. He figures John's going to get bored with him soon—people tend to figure out early on that he's more than a little dull, and no one's ever stuck around for long after they caught on. John is sure to be disappointed when he finally figures it out, so Rodney tells himself not to count on this...whatever it is they have going on continuing.

And to be honest, Rodney isn't sure there is anything going on. He has no idea if John is even interested in men, or if he is, if he's interested in Rodney. John is friendly and open, and he's taken a lot of time and effort to get Rodney talking, but John is friendly to everyone, from Lorne to Miko to the sandwich guy at the deli. He's pretty sure John flirts with everyone he meets, which confuses Rodney. Does it mean anything, or is John just out to charm everyone? Since he doesn't have any idea what's going on, he firmly tells himself they're just friends, and that he shouldn't hope for more.

But he can't help himself. He looks forward to seeing John, to listening to the soft drawl of his voice as he talks about the places he's been stationed, looks forward to watching the way his eyes light up when a plane flies overhead, and to feeling the soft flutter in his stomach when John touches his arm. He knows it's a bad idea to hope for more, he does, but hope is a funny thing, and it's not long before he finds himself wondering if he really can have this.

One morning, John sits on the edge of Rodney's desk, and rather than handing Rodney the usual cup of coffee, he suggests they blow off work and go to the planetarium. John quirks an eyebrow at Rodney, and twirls his index finger in a hurry-up gesture Rodney is already familiar with. Rodney wants to go, but he has things to do, so he hesitates. When John starts to whistle the Jeopardy theme song, Rodney caves.

It takes less than minute for Rodney to be ready to leave; he shuts down his computer and grabs his coat before he can change his mind. John is promising Rodney he won't regret it, pushing him gently toward the elevators. Rodney sees the look of surprise on Radek's face, and he notes Miko's owlish blinking; Lorne pokes his head out of his office and winks at them, and Elizabeth just waves them out the door.

They walk to the planetarium, stopping along the way for coffee. John talks the whole way, and Rodney just smiles and watches John's hands as he describes the fighter jet IMAX movie he'd seen the previous week. He's sure he looks like a love-struck moron, but John doesn't seem to notice anything is amiss, so he pushes it down and decides to enjoy the day.

They look at every exhibit, eat too much junk food, watch the IMAX movie (twice) and sit through three different shows in the planetarium before they call it a day. Rodney loves every minute of it, but the last planetarium show of the day is his favorite.

They're slouching down, heads tipped against the back of their seats, chatting about nothing while watching colored lights float across the surface of the planetarium's dome. As the lights go down for the show, Rodney turns to whisper something to John, only to see John already looking his way.

"What?"

"Nothing. I just...I had a great time today, Rodney. Thanks for slacking off with me."

"Yeah, me, too. I. Yeah."

Rodney's glad it's dark — he's smiling like a loon, sure that everything he's feeling is written on his face for anyone to see, and he's terrified of what will happen if John figures out just how in love with him Rodney is. He's not even sure what the show is about; he spends the entirety of it watching John from the corner of his eye, fascinated by the reflected light playing across John's cheekbones.

They don't talk again until they're back in the street, and then they speak at the same time.

"I -" "What -"

They both stop talking at the same time, too, and Rodney gestures for John to continue.

"I want to get to know you better, Rodney, some place outside of work. Will you go to dinner with me tomorrow night?"

"Yeah, that'd be...nice." Rodney feels his smile grow bigger, and he laughs aloud. John cocks an eyebrow at him, and smiles when Rodney shakes his head.

"I'm okay. Just...I'm okay."

"What were you going to say?"

"Hmm. Nothing."

When they part for the evening in front of the office, Rodney shyly looks over at John, not sure what to expect.

John just bumps his shoulder against Rodney's and says, "See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, tomorrow."

Rodney goes back upstairs to get his travel mug and briefcase; he passes Elizabeth in the lobby, and nods a hello. He's still fizzy with happiness, and for once, he let's himself feel it.

When he comes out he's surprised to see John's still there. He's just gotten into a cab, with Elizabeth. He watches as she leans in and kisses John, and his heart clenches as they pull apart with a laugh.

So much for thinking Elizabeth isn't John's type.

Rodney turns and walks in the opposite direction, not caring where he's going, just wanting to put space between him self and the cab still sitting in traffic. He walks for blocks, berating himself, blinking hard against tears that threaten to undo him. Stupid. He's been so stupid. He knew it was too good to be true — why would someone as hot as John want to be with someone like him? Of course he'd be with someone like Elizabeth — she's beautiful, successful, charming. He might not know much about people, but now it's clear John is playing him, and like a love struck idiot, he fell for it.

He's walking aimlessly, not paying attention to where he's going, and the first indicator he has of trouble is the horn. He freezes, unable to process what's happening, until he thumps onto the pavement. The last thing he hears before everything goes black is a woman crying and apologizing over and over again.

Part 2

Part 3